A Comedy of Errors

The Saga of My Squished, Redundant Insides

The Plan is the Plan

Still no update on surgery, but it looks like I’ll be spending more time at Dana-Farber than I anticipated over the next couple of weeks. I’m not exactly eager to nail down exact dates, but let’s just say they practically have me on speed dial. At this point, I think I’ve memorized every doctor, scheduler, and assistant in every department—gold stars for me.

Thursday brought some clarity. Dana-Farber genuinely cares about everything going on with me— But their focus, their mission, is cancer. Capital C-A-N-C-E-R. Everything else? It’s on their radar, but only if it doesn’t interfere with that primary goal. They want me strong and ready for what’s ahead, which means prioritizing what matters most, even if that means sidestepping the rest. (And yes, I still hate that word.)

My medical oncologist called to go over everything, and here’s the good news: after combing through the imaging, she confirmed the questionable spots in my abdomen are not cancer. Wait, was there ever a doubt?  She explained that while those issues are life-altering for me, they’re not life-threatening, and that’s where Dana-Farber draws the line. Their focus stays firmly on cancer.

She requested I loop in Dr. Shoji, general surgeon, to figure out how to manage the rest. She even offered to call him herself, but I told her, “No, I’m a big girl. I’ll handle it. You’ve got enough to juggle.” Her response? “Okay, but you need to call him now.” Message received.

As soon as we hung up, I called Dr. Shoji’s assistant, left a voicemail, and sent an email—despite knowing full well he wouldn’t check it through the gateway. But hey, orders are orders, and I covered my bases. Let’s see where this leads.

Dr. Shoji surprised me by calling back that evening at 7:00 p.m. We ended up talking for 45 minutes. He walked me through everything in detail and reassured me he’s keeping an eye on it all. Toward the end of the call, he casually said, “Oh, by the way, Dr. Schumer called me earlier.”

That’s when it all clicked. Dr. Shoji doesn’t do emails or use the gateway—I knew that already. When he apologized for not getting back to me sooner, I laughed and said, “I know. I even warned Dr. Schumer that you’re not exactly an email guy.” He chuckled and said, “No, no—she didn’t email me. She called me.” Of course, she did. Dr. Schumer doesn’t waste time waiting for a reply when there’s work to be done.

That Little Shit!

As for my hernia—“that little shit”—it’s going to be hanging around for the next year. Surgery isn’t an option unless it becomes an emergency because the focus is on keeping me strong for chemo, radiation, and immunotherapy. Dr. Shoji’s advice? Manage it. That means clearing out my system (so glamorous), drinking lots of fluids, eating small meals throughout the day, and keeping a close eye on it. Basically, I’m on babysitting duty for my hernia while gearing up for the real fight.

So here’s the scene: My abdominal cavity is like a New York City studio apartment—too much crap shoved into too little space. Thanks to a series of surgeries (3 C-sections, a hysterectomy, ovary removal, cyst evictions, and two hernia repairs to pull it all together), I’ve managed to accumulate more scar tissue than a Civil War reenactor. Add in my “floppy” intestines that apparently didn’t get the memo about staying neatly coiled and compact, and you’ve got a gastrointestinal game of Twister happening in there.

To make matters worse, I have a strong, muscular abdominal wall (a result of actual effort and Pilates), which is less of a gentle hug for my insides and more like a bear trap squeezing everything into submission. Imagine shoving a bunch of overcooked spaghetti into a Tupperware that’s two sizes too small—that’s my gut on any given day.

And then there are the adhesions, those overachieving little bands of scar tissue determined to turn my intestines into a chaotic jungle gym. These guys make sure my organs are stuck together in all the wrong ways, like an awkward middle school dance. They also make digestion an extreme sport and any future surgery a potential episode of Unresolved Bowel Mysteries.

Oh, and let’s not forget the umbilical hernia repairs—because what’s better than tightening up my stomach like a drumhead to add even more pressure to the madness? It’s like I’ve designed my own Escape Room, but instead of puzzles, it’s just my intestines trying to find a place to hang out.

Enter the Internal Hernia: The Plot Thickens

Now, as if the overcrowding wasn’t bad enough, my intestines have decided to get creative by poking through little gaps where they don’t belong—an internal hernia. This is when a loop of intestine says, “I’m tired of being smushed; I’m heading to greener pastures!” only to get stuck in some random corner of my abdominal cavity. Cue cramping, bloating, and the kind of pain that makes you reconsider all your life choices.

With all the scar tissue, adhesions, and lack of real estate in there, an internal hernia is basically the cherry on top of this disaster sundae. It’s the intestinal equivalent of a traffic jam in a city where nobody knows how to drive.

But, for those of you who forgot…The Plan is The Plan

So here I am, living with a sardine can of guts, adhesions that deserve their own union, and intestines that think they’re auditioning for Cirque du Soleil. Add an internal hernia to the mix, and I’ve officially unlocked a new level of abdominal absurdity. At this point, I’m just waiting for my body to start charging me rent for all the drama happening in there. However, in the end, the plan is the plan: chemo, radiation, immunotherapy. Every piece is being handled by the team, and I’ll be doing my part to stay strong and ready for what’s ahead.

Now, Challengers

To those who can truly hear me, I have a question for you. Simply text or comment A or B

Which is harder:

A- Getting your doctor office to return your call

B- Getting your bowels to function like a normal human being (I do not need any more details, even though I am well aware of the double standard here