Welcome to Chemo

A Totally Chill, Not-At-All-Terrifying Survival Guide

Ah, chemo. That magical time in your life where you willingly let people inject you with poison and take enough meds to qualify as your own personal drug store. Lucky for me, I got to enjoy CHEMO 101, a 90-minute crash course on how this circus is going to unfold, complete with a pharmacist giving me sad puppy-dog eyes as I picked up my arsenal of drugs.

Retail Therapy, Chemo 101, and the Grand Plan for Surviving the Shitshow

So, now that I’ve had a few days to process my 90-minute Chemo 101 crash course, picked up all my meds (while the pharmacist gave me sad puppy-dog eyes), and attempted to make sense of it all, I figured it was time to start ordering things to make this whole experience slightly less horrifying.

Yes, I picked up the wig and you may have noticed I conveniently crossed out the part on the previous blog where I was supposed to get "the haircut and color I always wanted." Whoops. But that's okay—because instead of a haircut, I’ve taken a deep dive into the chemo world of head-covering wizardry.

💳 Enter: My Temu & Amazon shopping spree

Because if I can’t control cancer, I sure as hell can control what ridiculous things show up at my door in two-day shipping (and giggle as I watch Chip hold his shit together, wanting to ream me out for yet, ANOTHER, Amazon box).

What’s on the haul list, you ask? 🛍️🎗️

Oh, just a carefully curated (read: panic-ordered /up all night) collection of chemo survival essentials:

✔ Hats with hair (yes, that’s a thing)
✔ Satin-lined beanies (because apparently, my scalp deserves luxury?)
✔ Chemo beanies (different from regular beanies, obviously)
✔ A headband with hair (because why not?)
✔ A cheap wig (for when I don’t feel like committing to the wig)
✔ Eyelashes (magnetic, because glue + chemo sounds like a disaster waiting to happen)
✔ Tattoo eyebrows (eyebrows that don’t ghost me halfway through treatment)
✔ Lotion, oils, and chemo-friendly makeup (because hydration is now a full-time job)

And let me tell you, TEMU might actually beat Amazon because some of my Amazon orders are taking weeks to ship. Weeks. Sure, my hair hasn’t started shedding yet, but still—cue panic-ordering more. Logical solution? Absolutely.

🛒 Did I need all of this? No.
🛒 Did I buy it anyway? Absolutely.
🛒 Did I spend all night scrolling for more “hats with hair” options? You bet your bald head I did.

And yet, as I sit here writing this, surrounded by my soon-to-be collection of head accessories, I feel… horrible. My mom tried to talk to me about all of it, and she got my standard, patented two-option response:

A) “I don’t want to talk about it.”
B) “Read it in the blog.”

And I know it hurt. Because she’s my mom. And watching me go through this is its own kind of torture for her. But talking about wigs, hats, and The Shit Show known as 2025?  Nope. Not ready. And having people try to discuss it before I’m ready? Sorry, but you’re going to have to wait for me to bring it up.

For now, I’ll be mentally preparing for my transformation into a human chameleon, thanks to my extensive collection of chemo couture. Stay tuned. 👩‍🎤🛍

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So, let’s break down the plan—because if there’s one thing I need (besides anti-nausea meds and a nap), it’s a solid, well-laid-out plan.

True Story: During the call, the nurse casually dropped, "After your first infusion, be careful when you get up—you might feel like you've had a few drinks."

Umm, hold up. A few drinks? Ma’am, I would BLACK OUT from a few drinks. What is she sipping on, and does it come with a survival guide? But I digress.

She went on to warn me to hold on to a steady surface—and not the IV pole (because apparently clinging to my medical lifeline like a drunken koala is frowned upon). So, in summary:

✔️ Docetaxel (Taxotere) = built-in booze
✔️ Possible side effect = feeling tipsy without the fun
✔️ Action plan = avoid face-planting into the nearest nurse

So, if you see me gracefully wobbling post-infusion, just know I’m not drunk—I’m just medically intoxicated. 🍸💉

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The Chemo Cocktail 🍹 No, You Can’t Order a Different One (unless your tumor doesn’t shrink) 

• Taxotere & Carboplatin – The tag team responsible for fatigue, hair loss, and your new career as a couch potato.
• Kanjinti & Perjeta – Think of them as the “nice-ish” ones, except when they’re causing heart issues and diarrhea.
• Dexamethasone (Steroid of Doom) – Keeps nausea away but makes you eat like a teenage boy and stay up all night writing new blogs.

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The Treatment Plan: Aka, The 8-Hour Energy Drain

☑ Regimen: TCHP, every 3 weeks
☑ Drugs Involved:

• Docetaxel (Taxotere) – The hair thief, neuropathy starter, and overall life-ruiner. 110 % GUARANTEED to lose my hair
• Carboplatin (Paraplatin) – Tag-teaming with Taxotere to make sure I never feel normal again
• Trastuzumab (Kanjinti /Herceptin biosimilar) – May or may not try to mess with my heart, TBD
• Pertuzumab (Perjeta) – Just here to extend my IV time for an extra hour

⏳ Infusion Duration: Approximately 8 hours (including labs) — because clearly, my Tuesday Pilates Crew will not miss me at all

🎥 Post-Infusion Observation: Because they want to make sure I don’t spontaneously combust.

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Side Effects: The Fun Stuff

Let’s talk about what this toxic juice cocktail is about to do to my body.

💀 Nausea & Vomiting: Because nothing says "self-care" like hugging the toilet.

• The “We Got You” Meds: Zofran, Compazine, Ativan (yes, the same one they give anxious people on planes – Hi Mom! Definitely a story worth hearing if you haven’t).
• Pro Tip: Eat small, bland meals and pretend you enjoy ginger ale.

⚡ Fatigue:

• Peaks Days 7-10 (aka, my be really, really nice to me if I lay down on the floor while teaching Pilates Days).
• Best days? Days 5-6… so I get about 48 hours of pretending to be a functional human before the next round. (Watch out Monday Crew!  I’ll be coming for you!)

🦴 Body Aches & Pain:

• Worst Days: 3-5 (Thanks, Taxotere + Neulasta!)
• Coping Plan:
• Ibuprofen/Tylenol
• Claritin (why is an allergy med the hero of this story?)
• Warm baths (wait, I still can’t submerge my incisions on my butt) and praying to the pain gods

🔥 Neuropathy (Tingling & Numbness in Hands & Feet)

• Typically starts around Round 4 (so I have time to pretend it won’t happen to me).
• Preventative Measures:
• Avoid walking barefoot (sorry, summer)
• Monitor for the moment when my fingers and feet stop working

🩸 Low Blood Counts & Infection Risk:

• Highest Risk: Days 7-10 post-chemo (aka, my official use lots of Purell and if you are not feeling 1000% “stay the hell away from me” days).
• Survival Tips:
• Wash hands like I’m scrubbing into surgery
• Avoid crowds (this is where my extrovert/introvert ninja skills come in hand)
• Monitor for fever over 100.4°F (because if that happens, I get an all-expenses-paid trip to the ER minus $500 co-pay).

👄 Mouth Issues:

• Mouth sores? Yay, another thing to look forward to! (and No Dentist until it’s over)
• Prevention:
• Swish baking soda + bottled water
• No alcohol-based mouthwash
• If sores show up: Call for Magic Mouthwash which is prescription only (ummm…why not just add one more to the list).

🚽 Diarrhea vs. Constipation: Because as someone with IBS-C and a hernia, my digestive system just loves surprises.

• Diarrhea? Hello, Imodium & hydration (but honestly, I wouldn’t mind).
• Constipation? Miralax + waiting for nature to do its thing.
• Enemas & suppositories? Hard pass—infection risk is too high.

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Hair, Swelling & Weight—Oh My!

🎭 Hair Loss:

• Starts between Week 2/3 (just in time for my 2^nd infusion).
• Wigs (I think we have already covered this, see older blogs)
• Cold caps Cold caps might help—if I wanted to drop a fortune just to keep random, patchy tufts of hair. I pulled Taxotere, the undefeated hair loss champ, so let’s be real—freezing my skull would just leave me looking like the top of Chip’s head (hard pass).  This is on my timeline, Cancer. I’ll go bald when I say so. 💪✨

💧 Swelling (Edema):

• Prevention:
• Limit salt (no problem here).
• Elevate limbs (time to lounge like royalty).
• Compression garments (sexy).
• And of course, there’s a drug for that!

⚖️ Weight Management:  Loss vs. Gain – Place Your Bets!

🚀 If chemo kills your appetite: You’ll lose weight while surviving on water and scrambled eggs

🐷 If steroids turn you into a snack monster: You’ll gain weight but swear it’s just “water retention”.

Either way, you’re tired, bloated, and feeling fabulous (JK, you feel like trash).  There is no in-between.

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Neulasta: The "Don’t Touch It" Device

🎯 What It Does:

• Boosts white blood cells so I don’t get wiped out from chemo.
• Kicks in 27 hours after infusion (automatically, because science).

🚨 Rules for Survival:

• DO NOT TOUCH IT. DO NOT REMOVE IT. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP.
• Side Effect: Bone pain so bad it feels like a werewolf transformation. (Thanks, Neulasta.)

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✨Survival Strategies:

✔ Eat what you can, when you can. (Calories = survival. Even if it’s sweets?)
✔ Stay hydrated. (Even if water tastes like a rusty nail.)
✔ Find the right people to vent to. (Because you’ll need to.)
✔ Ignore unsolicited advice. (Still looking to be heard and hugged ONLY.)
✔ Laugh when you can. (Because crying and nausea is a rough combo.)

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When to Call for Help ☎️

📞 Emergency Hotline: Because sometimes things go south.
⚠️ CALL IMMEDIATELY IF:

• Fever 100.4°F+ (do not pass Go, go directly to the ER)
• Severe nausea (aka, I can’t even keep water down)
• Persistent diarrhea (7+ times a day) (basically, if I’ve moved into the bathroom permanently)
• New/unusual symptoms (because my body is now a science experiment)

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Final Thoughts

Chemo isn’t fun, but neither is cancer. One day at a time. One treatment at a time. One snack at a time. 💪💖 And if all else fails, just remind yourself: I’m a badass, and bald is beautiful.

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Would You Rather – Chemo Edition 💉🎭

Alright, who hears me?! Let’s see if you’re up for this one…

You must choose one—or hit me with an equally brutal “Would You Rather” of your own. (No skipping! 🔥)

🔹 A. Keep your eyebrows but lose your eyelashes—or—keep your eyelashes but lose your eyebrows? (Either way, prepare for some wildly expressive looks.)

🔹 B. Have chemo brain turn every thought into a blank slate mid-sentence—or—have taste bud betrayal where everything tastes like cardboard?

🔹 C. Rock an obviously terrible wig (think Party City, fresh out of the bag) for the duration of chemo—or—let your friends/kids/spouse draw a new “tattoo” on your bald head every day? (Bonus points for creativity?)

🔹 D. Battle uncontrollable steroid-fueled snack cravings but never feel full—or—sleep through every treatment but wake up at 3 AM every night, wide awake and wired?

🔹 E. Fill in the blank—What’s your ultimate “chemo would-you-rather”?

📣 Where are my people at? Who’s with me? Let’s hear your answers! Text me or Comment ⬇️⬇️⬇️